Observations about the dying of our pets

The idea for this blog post came from a recent talk I had with a friend. We were sending each other snaps (and I hesitated before mentioning that I use Snapchat because I worried it would make me look unprofessional and less of an intellectual, but I then remembered that #1, that’s very obviously not the case, and #2, nobody cares! And even if they do, they shouldn’t. You shouldn’t!) and in one of the snap videos, she was talking about what losing her pet was like a couple of years ago.

I also experienced losing a pet, and so I felt as though I would be able to comfort her and relate to her process (although the experience is different for everyone, I wanted to express some kind of support and solidarity and understanding).

I began recording myself and talking, thanking her that she felt comfortable enough to have shared this with me and also expressing my hope towards her being healed. My talk then turned into almost a 15-minute long (I felt and still feel sorry for my friend that has to watch those snaps) discussion and evaluation over deaths of pets. And I feel as though it’s a concept worth discussing; not only for individuals who have recently lost a pet and are looking for some kind of consolation but also for individuals who perhaps haven’t ever experienced the loss of a pet or individuals who don’t have pets to get some insight into what it’s like so that they can maybe comfort somebody one day.

As a person who has experienced both the loss of a beloved pet and also the loss of several beloved people (humans) in my life, I personally feel as though the loss of a pet is harder to go through. Not necessarily more painful, but definitely harder. Because the connection you have with a human might be relatable to some other people. (For example, if you lose a friend, you have the possibility of finding another one of their friends that is feeling the same or similar feelings as you are at their loss, making it more likely that you will have a support system who you truly feel understands and supports you, therefore increasing the amount of closure and decreasing the difficulty of getting through the said event.) Your level of closeness and the nature of your relationship with a human is more probable to be relatable to other humans who can offer you closure (therefore making the process of healing easier) than that of a pet, to sum up.

Other than you having a relationship incomprehensible to others with your pet, which makes the process of healing much more alone and therefore difficult, there are several other factors that weigh in which make the death of a pet so painful and so hard to get over. (Keep in mind that alongside observations, this part is also for people who have experienced something similar and are looking for some way to ease their minds and to know that the way in which they’re feeling -whatever it is- isn’t unusual and that other people are feeling and have felt this way.) The number one symptom after losing a pet is guilt, which in my opinion, is what differentiates it so much from the processing of human deaths. Feeling guilt at the loss of a loved human, although still common, occurs significantly less compared to pets. There are so many ways in which we can nitpick and overthink our way into believing that we are in some way responsible for it that it’s ridiculous. Pet owners are responsible for the health, well-being, and everything in between of their pet during the entirety of their lifetime, just like a baby (only this time, the baby doesn’t grow up to pay taxes and make themselves food). And once they pass away, you can’t help feeling that there was something, or perhaps many things, you could’ve done to prevent it. This occurs even in pet owners whose pets passed away peacefully of old age; “If only I had taken him to the vet more” or “If only I had given him a healthier diet” etc. etc. As understandable as these are, they are also completely untrue! Now, I’m not going to dig deep into the psychological processes that lie beneath the concept of guilt after the death of a pet, because I personally think it’s too complex for me to unpack and highly unique (maybe one day, after I have sufficient information, I can create a sequel to this blog post). But I can say this: regardless of whether you had nothing or think you had everything to do with your pet’s death, it is not your fault. I don’t have to know the exact nature of your situation in order to be able to tell you that it is not your fault; even if you accidentally gave your goldfish too much food and they passed away because of eating too much, it was not your intention and therefore in this case, not your fault. We are human, and we will inevitably make mistakes. With these being said, getting over the guilt is a process, and you shouldn’t rush it. (this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t actively be working through it; you simply shouldn’t be sweeping it under the rug so it “goes away faster”). I do believe that once you get over the guilt, the process becomes much, much easier; and you emerge as a more feeling, forgiving, compassionate, kind-hearted, and most importantly, a stronger person. You emerge as a person who had the privilege of having a pet who meant so much to them that they are feeling these intense emotions at their passing away.

So how do you get over the guilt and ease the process? My main helper, as silly as it may sound, was internet forums. People talking about how guilty they felt over their pet’s death and other people in the comments eased their minds, reassuring them that it was not their intention and that they gave their pet a full life… It truly helped me for some reason. Other things that helped were repeating to myself that my pet was in a better place, that it wasn’t my fault (ie. affirmations); setting boundaries with people if I didn’t want to talk about it; and journaling (finding a healthy way of channeling my emotions, this can be reading, art, music or practically anything for you). One thing which I would very obviously suggest to everyone is therapy, and more specifically, grief therapy (though I haven’t done it). And most importantly, time. It truly will get better with time. I’m not saying that the pain will disappear, but instead, it will simply become a part of the fabric that makes you the strong person you are. You will weave this painful experience, along with other painful experiences, into a beautiful fabric representing your life and your personality that will leave others at awe of your strength and kindness.

Another factor that weighed into the process was feeling this crushing responsibility that I had to reminisce about my pet. In the case of humans, there are dozens, hundreds, sometimes thousands or millions of people who will actively be talking about them, creating funds under their name, posting them on Instagram; and keeping their memory alive. But because there’s usually a handful of people who have a close relationship with that pet, it might feel as though you’re not doing enough to keep their memory alive -though you don’t have to, and even if you want to, you are doing that simply by remembering them, you don’t have to commit to these additional “suggestions”, they’re simply here for people who want them-. Some things that you can do to keep a pet’s memory alive are: getting a tattoo to remind you of them, making a donation under their name, turning their ashes into accessories, writing stories/songs/poems about them, pottery/sculptures, drawing, doing things you liked doing together, or even simply talking about them.

I personally know I’m still in the healing process (proof: I’m making this blog entry), and for everyone out there who’s going through such an experience: don’t bottle it up, talk it out. Know that the pain truly will lessen with time, but don’t put yourself on a clock. Know that you have a guardian angel, looking over you and helping you through life now.

I’m aware that this blog post was more of a “how-to” guide, but as my name suggests, this is an eclectic blog. I wanted to give you a resource that I wish I had when I first lost my cat. Along with offering you ways in which you can get through losing a pet, I wanted to inform you of the common steps of the process and so perhaps you can better understand yourself and in turn get through it. Which you will. ❤️